He lifted the glass and took one of many deep sips, and he knew that he is not going to be done soon. The wooden bench that he was sitting on from last couple of hours was getting colder and even that started smelling for all the drink that he was consuming. Even when he was so drunk he was not able to get over with what has happened few hours back, more he wanted to forget about it more he wanted to drink.
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“I think we should have sex”.
He almost lost his balance when he heard her saying that. It took a while for him to register whatever she has said; he leaned back to the chair he was sitting on. He took a deep breath and blew it out as slowly as possible as he needed all the time in the world to respond to her.
“Have you gone crazy? What nonsense are you talking about?” It was more of shock than question.
“Is it that complicated to understand? I have tried to be as plain as possible, I think it’s time we should have sex” she responded without losing her nerve and keeping herself as calm as possible.
He gave her a bland look, without having to say anything.
“I always had a thing for you and I am sure even you do. So why can’t we have sex and get over with that?”
This time he gave her a disgusted look and said, “Get the hell out of my room”
She was still sitting there, and it was when he walked out from there and tried to grasp some fresh air outside the veranda.
She felt humiliated; she was full of anger for being ignored by someone whom she knows for her whole life. She tried to be calm, she tried to win over her raising temper for nearly two minutes by giving all possible reasons, by trying to convince herself with whatever she had asked him.
But nothing helped her, as she knew that either she will burst into tears or she will have to blast at him. “To hell with him”, she spoke to herself. What does he think of me, something which would never turn him on? For that matter any men? What I need to do to get his attention? Do I need to wear something those half naked girls wear?
She got up from the chair and rushed outside to confront him. “This means, you don’t want to cozying up with me. If that’s the case, why don’t you say a simple No?”
Rather than answering her, he tried to avoid her by turning away from her.
“Why on the earth are you running away from me?”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now, I have never thought of you in that direction”
“Well, if not, start thinking about it now!”
“No, it’s not that plain simple. It makes me wonder, aren’t you ashamed of yourself to talk something like that with a man?”
“Oh, now you are talking about being ashamed! Is that being right or wrong which is bothering you now? And who the hell are you to deciding upon for what, when and why I should be ashamed of”
“I am the one to whom you have offered sex now as if you are offering me some drinks”
“Is that how you have interpreted it? What kind of man you are to reject that? Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for doing that?”
“It’s not that way; it’s not the right way to ask a man and not the right thing to ask as well”
“And now this gentleman will teach me of the right way to ask for sex”
“I don’t want to get more involved in this conversation”
“Why is that the man I have been friend for so long can’t talk to me about sex?”
“I have never thought of you like that”
“You mean I don’t appeal to you in that way?”
“It’s not like that”
She tried to get close to him and he almost shouted, “Don’t try to get near me”
“Well, if you can’t, then I will find my own way”
“Don’t get away from here now”
“Get lost, don’t try to do any damage control now, I am of my own now onwards, I don’t have anything else to talk”
“But I have lot to talk, don’t go away from me now and get involved with something stupid just because you are angry with me”
“Who the hell are you, why do you even care?”
“I do care for you for all the friendship that we have shared all these years, ever since I know you”
“Oh, well, can you have sex with me?”
He was caught between the truth and the lie, he was caught in the middle of confusion, he was caught in between the right way of doing things and the wrong way; he was caught in between what he wanted to do and how he wanted to do it. He took a deep breath and decided to take the long route, “No, I don’t want to now”
“Now! Which means you want to in future?”
“No, I don’t know and I didn’t mean that. Now let’s not talk about it”
“Go to hell” and she threw herself away from him and he was pleading her, “Don’t get angry and run away from here now. I can give you a drop”
“Fuck you, that’s the end”, she shouted, humiliated and furious.
He was staring at the direction she strolled away, and then suddenly she came back running. Without giving him any time to react, she jumped on him, threw her hands around his neck, locking her legs around his waist and completely making use of his tall frame and locking her lips on his mouth. She bit his bottom lips, and then hurried to his upper lips before she could pour everything she had into his hot sweet mouth.
He was caught off guard, when he realized what is going on, involuntarily he was part of it; his hands were holding her tight bottom while she locked her legs around his waist; he was living and breathing in her scent and kissing her lips as if he was meant to do that from years. He was enjoying every bit of it. He could feel all the reactions going through his whole body.
But it was not too late before he had this realization that he had to stop this. But he told to himself; give me another moment to live with it. Before he could reciprocate to her completely, she jumped off him.
“I wanted you to know what exactly you have turned away” she said as coldly as possible, brushing off her dress.
He was still standing there, all shocked and all aroused beyond expression. “See you tomorrow you loser”, she said for the last time and walked off from there.
He didn’t speak a word and even if he wanted to nobody was there to listen to him, he was still looking at the path which she just covering up.
And that was when he thought that the only thing that could help him now is vodka. He grabbed a bottle of vodka from the fridge and walked towards the beach, to that place where he had spent so many evenings talking to her.
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He lifted the glass and took one of many deep sips, and he knew that he is not going to be done soon. The wooden bench that he was sitting on from last couple of hours was getting colder and even that started smelling for all the drink that he was consuming. Even when he was so drunk he was not able to get over with what has happened few hours back, more he wanted to forget about it more he wanted to drink.
He knows that he cares for her a lot and there is something more than friendship between them. There was time when he had this feeling that he loves her. He only wanted those feelings to be much stronger so that he could ask for her hand one fine day. He is one romantic kind of guy who had dreamed of his own way of proposing the girl whom he wants to get married to. But when she asked him for sex, it hurt his ego. Though he is not yet ready to accept that, it was his ego which made him say no to her. He wanted things in his own way.
The sea was almost silent by then, the moon was cut short half as it was full moon day a week back. The moon light on the shore was looking amazingly beautiful over the calm sea. But he was in no mood to enjoy that. “I wish she were here”, he spoke to himself. She always liked this sight, when the moon is glowing and the cold breeze is waving around the beach. “I would love to have my own house close to the beach”, she would say. Bringing her back to the memory was not helping a bit.
After finishing that bottle of vodka, he tried to unglue himself from the bench. It wasn’t that easy. He pulled himself completely together and stood up. He was off balance and then he had to hold the bench hands. He poured some water out of the bottle and onto his face. It did help a bit and then he dragged himself back to home, he was in no position to walk properly.
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She was standing under the shower, trying to hold herself together and letting the shower sprinkler do all the work. She wished that the warm water could wipe off all her anger and humiliation.
“Bastard, how dare is he to not to give any damn to me!” she was talking to herself. It took whole lots of water to reduce her feelings a bit. She came out of shower, put on the bathrobe and headed towards the balcony after drying off her hair.
It was cold outside. The moonlight fell on her nightdress, and her bare feet was shining with the brightness. She looked at the window and she could see herself there. She looked so beautiful with water still dripping off from her wet hair and she was looking very fresh as she was just out of bathtub.
She always had this feeling that he loves her or at least he has some feelings for her which is more than what two friends share between them. Otherwise, how would she justify herself that particular incident, when he was about to kiss her? It was his birthday that day and she had planned something nice for him. She took him to that place where she had everything set up, a table, two chairs for them, and a bottle of wine and candle light dinner. She had done everything herself. They dined, wined, joked, spoke, smiled and laughed. He even confessed that it was one of the best evenings of his life. And then he took her hand and dragged her to the beach where they sat facing endless sea water. She was feeling cold and he made her warm by pulling her close enough and letting her have his sweater. He was always very caring and sweet for her. He never made her feel less when he was around.
“You are such a sweetheart” was all she could say.
“Why wouldn’t I be, for such a cutie?”
She gave him a little hug, while they were still sitting on the sand. She felt so comforting when resting against him. He would call her “cutie” once in a while and she would love it, to be called like that from him.
She said, “Thank you” and tuned herself away from him, as she felt certain things are better off kept unsaid.
He didn’t know what to tell or rather how to respond. He just stared back to her. She looked so beautiful under the moon light, he thought to himself. Her curly hairs were dancing along with the waves, to the tune of the breeze. Her face was glowing as if it was to compete with the moon. She had such a clean pair of eyes that he could see them moving in that night. She had this celestial nose which is also sharp in its tip. He always loved that turn up nose of hers, and he has lost the count of how many times he had pulled her nose whenever he wanted show his love for her. Her mouth was not wide, rather small one, with a pair of thin lips to cover her mouth. Though her lips were thin, her lower lip was a bit fuller than the upper one and she had this habit of biting her lower lip once in a while, when she is in a deep thought, thinking of nothing at all.
Part of her hair which was falling on her face was disturbing his sight. She blew out breath through her mouth as if it’s bothering her as well. But those hairs were falling on her face again as if they wanted to kiss her cheeks. Then suddenly he had this urge of wanting to kiss her. He moved himself close to her and took his face towards her face to kiss her right cheek. Then suddenly she turned towards him without knowing what is that he wanted to do at that moment. He stopped suddenly, so did she. And their lips were in kissable distance, but yet they both didn’t do anything. He wanted to kiss her but he is afraid now, she wasn’t having the idea to kiss him then, but the closeness of his lips made her tremble. He started breathing heavily and his warm breath touched her skin, which made her tremble more.
She pulled herself back as if she isn’t aware of anything, but she had this idea that he wanted to kiss her. She could make out that from the displeasure in his face the moment she moved away. “All men are the same”, she thought to herself. “But even I would have enjoyed it” other half of her mind confronted that thought.
They both fell back to silence; he was into “why didn’t I kiss her? What is that I am afraid of?” And she was into, “Why did I tremble when he was that close, as if it happened for the first time? Why can’t I suppress this feeling which is happening with me right now, for the first time?”
She wanted to ask him, “Why didn’t you kiss me?” “No” she thought to herself, “Can you kiss me now?” Even that thought didn’t realize. She could never put her feelings and thoughts together or align them on the same page. She knew it for real that she is more unpolished inside her than she behaves. But he is always so polite, so gentle, but a bit lazy though. Before doing anything, he would give lots of thought on that, which is very unlikely with her. If she wants to do certain things, she would chase it till the end, in any possible way.
“I know, you wanted to kiss me!” she said without even knowing is that what she wanted to tell.
Did it hurt his ego? May be yes, “No, I wasn’t to kiss you, I wanted to pull back your hair which was falling on your face” he responded, but he certainly sounded as if he is lying.
She thought, let it go. And then they got back to each other as if nothing has happened, friends forever.
Knock on balcony door made her get back to the present. She headed towards the door and got inside, she was still angry. She thought, “If I could, then a sound good night sleep might do me good”
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He woke up early in the morning. He was not yet over with the hangover, neither her effect nor the alcohol’s effect. He flushed himself with enough water to have the feeling of freshness. He was not sure of how is that he is going to deal with her. “Stubborn ass” he told to himself. He can’t be lazing around with her now, at least on this incident.
He went to office and made himself busy. During lunch time he had this idea of visiting to her college. He went there and waited for her. They both used to have their lunch together, most of the time, unless either of them have some other commitment. He didn’t locate her anywhere close by. And through her friends he got to know that she has not come to college that day.
“She must be still angry, with time she should be ok”, he convinced himself and headed back to office, after having his lunch, alone.
He didn’t find her for next two days; he even visited her home in the evening. Her mother had told him that she went out for some work and would be late. He went back with another disappointment, he was sure that she is avoiding him.
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“Bloody hell, why am I avoiding him?” she was into self retrospection.
She got to know through her friends that he had come near her college the other day. “He must be suffering with himself as he is not the kind of guy who would go around and talk to his friends about it”.
“Ahh, if he is suffering wouldn’t it be fun to watch him suffering?”
It made her feel better. “Enough of this game; let me make a different move this time. I need to chase him down till he begs me for what I want or till he speaks his mind to me”
The next day she went to his office, to where she visits very often. She passed through his desk and with a loud voice she said, “Hey, how are you doing today? Not to be seen these days!”
It was a surprise for him to see her in his office though he saw her entering his office. Before he could respond to her, she had moved on to his friends. He walked out of his desk to follow her. She was sitting with his friends and was into some discussion. He thought of not to interrupt them and headed back to his desk. But before doing that he gave her a look of sadness and she caught him before he could change his expression. The sadness in his face made her relax. “He is on track” she told to herself.
He got back to his desk, but he could not help looking at her once in a while, though she seemed like ignoring him for most of the time. Before leaving, she dropped by his desk and said, “I am leaving now, I need to hurry up. I have to get ready for something tomorrow”.
More disappointment followed him. He was thinking that she would come with him while leaving and she made it a point not to do that.
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A few weeks passed by, but things were not the same between them. She always tried to do something or other either to make him get angry or to make him feel bad. And it worked in her favor every time. He tried his best to get back to her and she did everything to get away from him and she enjoyed every bit of it. But somewhere inside him he had this feeling that she is playing a game with him and there is nothing more beyond that.
It was her birthday that day. He gave a call to her number to wish her. She spoke to him for a minute and said, “I need to drop the call now as someone is online” and she disconnected without waiting for his response. There was nothing that he could do other than throwing a sad smile to himself. Though got back to his office, he could not move a thing; his mind was too occupied with her thoughts. He got into a meeting room, closed the door behind him and let himself do what he always does when he needs to make a decision. He had to make a move now, the right one, to get things back, the way it was there earlier, the way it is supposed to be.
He went out to buy this ring for her, the one which he always wanted to buy for her, the thin platinum ring with a pure white pearl placed between two baguette cut diamond stones. He got that packed and went home. He had to prepare himself for that occasion. He didn’t know how to do that. He was so nervous that, he felt that he will run out of words when he wants to propose her. So, he took a paper and started writing those words which he wanted to tell her. He felt so relieved after finishing that letter and decided to go to her home. He folded the letter and put it inside the pocket of his jacket along with the gift box.
He rushed to his bike and drove towards her home. As evening was approaching the wind was falling on his face with all the speed. He reached her home and his eyes started itching as some dust particle has gone inside. While wiping off his eyes he knocked on her door thinking she would open the door and he would propose her right there. He put his hands on his pocket to pull out the letter. But he held himself back as it was his sister who opened the door.
“She is getting dressed up” she said.
“Getting dressed? Are you girls going out?” he asked.
“I am not, but I was thinking that you two are going out”
“Hamm may be. She might be throwing me a surprise party”
“You look so happy”
“Of course, I am!” he replied.
“Come on in, have a seat till she gets out of her dressing room”
“Sure” he said and let himself relax on the sofa after taking out his jacket and keeping it over the stand.
“I don’t remember when the last time she spent this much of time for getting dressed”
“I know, it’s very surprising”, he added his supported words to her sister’s comment and his left hand was constantly reaching his left eye to clear of the dust.
“You look very handsome today” she complimented him.
“That’s so sweet of you sweetheart” he said.
“You seem to have some problem with your eyes”
“Yeah, I guess some dust particle got in while I was coming this way in bike”
“Don’t pressurize your eyes using your hands, let me have a look” she got to her toes.
He leaned back to let her help him with that.
She spread his eyes wide open and started blowing hot breath out of her mouth slowly so that the dust particle could get out. During that process, she was bending so much so that her whole body was very close to his.
“Are you feeling any good?” her sister asked him.
“I guess it’s…” before he could finish, he heard the door opening and someone coming and shouting “what the hell is happening here”
It took him by surprise and he suddenly tried to get out of the sofa and by this sudden happening, her sister fell on him and he held her in his arms.
“You don’t need to get angry, she was helping me with clearing my eyes” while getting himself away from her sister he told her as he could see her standing with showing all the anger through her eyes.
“He came here few minutes back to take you out” her sister spoke and continued, “let me get coffee for you two” and she got into kitchen.
There was only silence between them as he didn’t know how to start a conversation as he was not prepared enough for this. She was looking at him as if she wanted him to say something. She waited for a while and said, “I am getting late, I need to leave now”
“Leave? Where are you going?”
“I have a date today”
“You have a date! And with whom? What am I here for?”
“I am least interested in knowing what you are here for and I don’t need to tell you whom I am dating”
It made him lose all his temper. He shouted back at her, “Are you gone crazy?”
“Oh come on, I don’t need to lecture from you now”
“You will listen to me and you are not going anywhere”
“Forget about it, I am leaving now and you are nobody to stop me from doing that”
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you”
While taking her car keys, she replied “You can never be me” and headed towards the door.
He ran towards the door and slammed it behind him and said, “You are going nowhere”. She has never seen him that angry, but that didn’t help her. She got angrier for him stopping her.
“Why can’t I go out? And whom do you think you are to stop me from doing that? A lover or my partner? When could be nothing of that sort, why do you even care?”
“Let me not get into what I am to you, but I am not letting you go out with someone else, at least not on your birthday”
“When you can try to seduce my sister why can’t I go out with someone else?”
“Jesus! What’s wrong with you? Why are you talking like crazy? I was not doing anything with your sister, she is still young”
“Oh is it? I know what you were trying to do when I was getting out of my room. You could not think of us having sex but you can seduce my sister. I will kill you if ever you touch my sister”
He didn’t know what to answer. He started realizing that they both are messing up things between them; they both are doing and talking everything other than what they are supposed to.
He said, “Shut up and get back to your room”
“You get the hell out of my home; I don’t want to see you anymore. I can’t stand someone who has an eye on my sister. Bloody hell, I don’t turn you up, buy my sister does! I am done with you, get out now”
“Yeah, even I am done with you. I hate myself for loving someone like you, for having this plan of taking you out tonight and proposing you. I don’t have that anymore, it’s over between us”, before he could think of something else he uttered those words and walked off.
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She was still under the influence of the uncontrollable anger. When her sister came out of the kitchen all she said was, “what did you do to yourself? Why do you even have to do something stupid like this” Her sister left the hall to give her some time to realize what exactly she has done.
She buried herself on the sofa, holding her head in both of her hands to contain all the feelings. She knew that she has screwed up things, though it’s something which was not part of her game. She knew that she loves him and he also does so. She asked herself, “what did I do just now?” and the answer was right in front of her. “Oh! No! How will I get this straight if ever there is a way?” All she got was the silent that everyone left behind them which was accompanying her.
When she let herself look at the door which was half open, she saw his jacket hanging on the stand. He took in her hands and hugged it tightly and tears started bursting out of her eyes. She cried a lot, till she could take out all her foolishness. When she was holding the jacket, she felt the gift box in the pocket and she took it out and she saw a letter along with that. She unfolded the letter and started reading that.
Honey, I don’t know how to begin, or rather from where to begin.
Ever since I know you I have this unsaid feeling that you are the one. The very reason why I could never express myself to you was, whenever I look at you I run short of words, and suddenly I get this feeling that you might not like me the way I want you to, I might lose a good friend in you. And I stop myself from doing that.
Do you remember that day when all I wanted to do was kiss you and tell how much I love you? But again I lost the plot; I could not bring myself to do that. I was afraid of the imaginary ‘No’ which never came out of you.
Now, with all my heart, without any hesitation all I want to tell you is: I love you, I think I always have loved you and I know now that I will always love you. Will you marry me?
She read his letter again and again. She opened that gift box and that beautiful ring made her cry more. “How foolish I am, how can I be so rude to him when all he wanted to tell me was how much he loves me” she cried until she drained out, until she knew what is that she is going to do now.
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“I am sorry, I am so sorry” was all that she could tell. It was very unlike her, so he went out to have a clear look at her.
She was standing at the darker side of the corner, and was trying to wipe tears from her cheeks. Her all sights were on him. He looked at her, and her face had this expression of she is feeling sorrier than she was trying to tell him.
“Come on in” he said, but she was standing there as if she didn’t hear a thing.
“I am” and she stopped as a sob rose in her throat and more tears burst out of her eyes. He could not stand that scene anymore. He rushed to her and put his hands on her shoulder.
“We are going inside now” he said.
“But I can’t. I feel like you have closed me out”
“I really got angry with you, but I will never go away from you”
“I am so sorry”
“Stop being sorry”
“I love you a lot honey”
“I love you too, lot more that I could tell you”
“Why didn’t you tell me all these days that you love me, why did you make me wait all these days?”
“I was afraid of failure”
“Failure of what?”
“I am afraid of failing in those things that matters the most”
“Nothing matters when we both are together”
“Being together is one thing which matters me the most”
“Now that we two are together why do you worry”
He pulled her towards him, as close as possible, with his hand across her back and whispered to her ears, “I am not anymore”
He looked into her eyes and he could see the glow and the happiness and what is that she is about to say now. Thinking of that he could not help but smile. Sudden rush of the blood made him lift her chin close up to his face and press his lips on it.
And then she whispered back to him, ““let’s make love today, on my birthday”.
